I am such a smart arse!

I've recently been reading a book by the late Monty Python, Graham Chapman, called 'Calcium Made Interesting'. Very good book. In it are a number of letters he wrote to people, including one to his bank manager about his overdraft. It is a witty letter and made me smile!
Inspired by this, I decided to deal with a debt recovery firm, who've been pestering me for a stupidly small amount of money, in the same way.
Here is the letter I sent to them. I think you'll agree that I am such a smart arse, and more than a little bit cheeky!
Just to explain the start of the letter, it was sent by a person called A.J.Martin. Is this person male or female? Who knows? It wasn't clear so I addressed the letter accordingly!

Dear Mr, or Mrs, Martin,

I recently received a letter from your company informing me of possible litigation due to the non payment of £23.50. This letter was dated 05/08/10 and said I should settle the balance before 12/08/10. However, I didn't receive this letter until 21/08/10. I thank you for reading this letter and also thank you for your understanding in this matter.

As I am currently not in possession of a time machine, or possess the knowledge capable of constructing a flux capacitor, TARDIS or similar device for circumventing the passage of the space time continuum, I am unable to comply with the request made by your letter with the red writing and the jovial use of the Comic Sans font. Of course, I doubt that I would want to operate such a dangerous device. I mean, what if I accidentally killed my own grandmother, at birth? I understand that if this was to occur then, in theory, I will therefore never be born, so the journey could never have been made in the first place; but if the journey never occurred then my grandmother would be born which means I would have been born and could make the journey...and so on and so on. This is a paradox. And besides, I quite like my grandmother.

The only course of action, then, is to pay. Alas, I am in no position, currently, to pay. If you had sent this letter a week later or a week earlier then, maybe, I would have been in a more stable financial position. As it is, I am not. You find me at a crossroads of monetary inconvenience. To the left, rent. To the right, utility bills. Ahead of me, more of the same. See? It's not a nice place to be. I know the kind of practices that go on at crossroads and believe me, I've tried to contact the devil to broker a deal on my eternal soul but he just isn't answering. It's understandable, what with all the wars going on around the world and all the petty crime and general nastiness that fills our world on an almost daily basis. Who am I to make Beelzebub take a break from torture of the weak and his eternal struggle against the forces of heaven, just to help me out of a slightly less than £25 shaped hole. A pony, I believe it's called in Cockney parlance.

So it is with regret and a heavy heart that I must inform you that my payment will be made in the near future, maybe September time. I understand that this will cause you some inconvenience and possibly cause you to utter swear words or make accusations about my parentage. This is, of course, totally natural. I will take no notice of said epithets as I have a thick skin and insults don't really bother me. Sticks and stones and all that. This is, also, totally natural.

Once again, I thank you for your understanding, patience and compassion in this trying time. If only more companies were like yours, this world would be a much nicer place to live. You should be proud of yourselves, you really should.

Sincerely yours,

Darren Wright.